The heart wants what it wants...

 

The heart wants what it wants.

It’s a constant pain.

You know the kind of ھلکا ھلکا pain that has settled in your bones? You know it's there. You don’t over stress your that part of the body. Because God forbid if you even touch it, that ھلکا pain will go full throttle on you. And then no amount of pills would ease it immediately. It will take days, again living with it, experiencing it over and over, trying different techniques, the gel, the desi totka, the hot water bath, but it will reside there, forever in your bones, gradually palpating, forever beside you.

That’s how I've accustomed to this pain of not being with my husband. The pain is bearable. It surfaces when I see my kids making their first-ever moments and the person that comes to my mind is not around us, or when I witness whole family gathering for a celebration and the only person missing is still that same guy, or when a song blasts over from the past and you remember it was his favorite song, ugh how you hated that song and you still do, but then why are your cheeks wet? Damnit. You turn off the song, you clap with everyone else, you make a whole 3 minute video and then when you're alone you let it out; this time deliberately wetting your cheeks.

However hard that is, I’ll say, the pain is bearable. The pain is a part of me. The palpating sensation is what makes me believe that love is still there.

But there are a lot of emotions that are untamed in a long distance relationship. And I’m scared of those feral moments. I’m scared of those moments when you are accustomed to the routine so easily that you forget to drop a good morning text. I’m scared of the feeling when you start thinking that this is what life is going to be. I’m scared of the feeling when emotions are not in sync. I’m scared of the feeling when you need a partner but life is in between. I’m scared of the feeling when I love you’s become cheesy and I miss you’s over rated. I’m scared of the feeling when you no longer feel to mention that this all is scary.

But the truth is, it is. And it’s going to haunt you forever no matter how hard you outrun it. So dear sister in a long distance relationship, please breathe and remember the day isn’t far when you would revisit these battles and say, “This was all worth it” InshAllah <3