My
dear unborn child,
I
hope you’re doing simply fine without me, well you should be… as your mum is
really low these days and I bet, if u were here, things would have turned out
rather ugly lol. I really don’t know what to do my baby, people just keep
asking about you, throwing questions at random, some simply stating out in flat
piercing words. It hurts you see, mommy doesn’t know how to handle these
questions. And W’Allah, I’ve tried a lot!! I’ve tried mocking them in stone
cold voice, I’ve tried smiling and just ignoring politely, I’ve tried to keep
my voice steady and utter those heart-thrashing words,
“No I don’t have a child yet.”
But
nothing, nothing ever seems to work. I’m left baffled, as if I myself could not
believe those words, staring out to nothing, hoping, expecting that a miracle
would happen and my tummy would bloom into child-bearing position, calling out to all those
ladies and aunties who seem to be in a hurry more than me, that finally their
questions would stop, the whole world would stop fretting about it, just
because you will be really there! Not just in my vented-out feelings on paper. You
would be actually present in this world!
My
sweet little honeybunch, you see mommy wants you so bad, so very bad that she
has loads of pictures of babies that resemble just like you! (Or I hope so) My
fingers can’t stop saving such cute pictures! I want all of those babies!!! Um
no, I just want you, but like those babies, I want you to be smiling at the
world with those heart-melting eyes. Sometimes mommy becomes narcissist and
wants you to be just the carbon copy of me! But when I see your dad, in those
moments, when he’s being completely goofy, trying to make me happy or consoling
me (when I’m in a want-you-bad mood) and I’m all falling for him, I
want u to be just like him!
Mommy
is scared sugar dumlin’…
Mommy
is scared to death! Mommy pleads, begs, and prays earnestly to have you! In the
middle of nights, when the rain is falling, when mommy is travelling or when
she just can’t keep all the emotions inside her, mommy asks Allah SWT to bless
her with you! And I know we will! Maybe late but not never! You see, Allah,
loves us to pray, ask Him over and over for the things that we want bad. You’ll
understand this, my dear, when you’ll be here. It took mommy even a lot of time
to grasp this. I still struggle with that. Sometimes I just loose hope, I want
to give up on you, I want to be free of these desires, I say to myself that
this is not the end of the world, I can move on without you. There are greater
good to be accomplished. But then I see another parent holding their child,
caressing him or kissing her, the joy on their faces brings me back to you. And
then I ask myself, what’s greater to be able to give birth to a human being and
watch the miracle of life. What’s more beautiful than seeing you able to bring
a life into this world? What’s more important than being able to raise a child
and see him/her grow to be a pious Muslim. I then fall down to the prayer mat
and pray even harder! It’s tiring my love…. ‘The constant battle of desires’.
It exhausts your mommy sometimes. Even daddy can feel that. But I swear it’ll
be all worth it, once you’re here, I’m sure!
But
still, when I hear someone being a mommy or when I have someone else’s child in
my hands and I could still feel love pouring out of me but then in the other
instant I’m still the same, with my empty womb and empty hands, tears just start
falling out rapidly. As if Tsunami has erupted in these eyes, destroying
everything in its way, my heart, my self-esteem, my faith, each and everything! I feel
scared to talk to expecting mommies, as if my only one look would kill their
innocent baby, as if just thinking about their happiness would bring bad luck
to them. I feel poisoned. My soul is poisoned with the love of unbearing child,
spreading its venom to the people around me, depriving them of their joys……..
Oh
I’m sorry my love, mommy got carried away. But don’t you fret my dear child,
mommy is fine, still keeping everything together, for the sake of you, for the sake of Allah SWT because He tells us not
to loose hope as Allah is with those who are patient.
Sometimes
I even wonder if it’s taking you so long to come in this world, what if you
really came and we are the worst parents one could ever have??? What will you
do?? What will we do?? What if we could not up bring you up as a healthy and
happy child that we see around us? Or what if you are not following the deen as
Allah SWT has prescribed because we were careless to teach you? What if we had
pampered you so much that you were spoiled in all this process? What will
everybody say? Please my dear, don’t be one of those kids that are not
listening to their parents or being an embarrassment for their family. I beg you
please! Please take your time but be the best for us! I strongly look forward
to being inspired and feeling proud by you my love! Don’t let your mommy daddy
down!
We
await your presence anxiously!! Come to us soon! Because only you could bring
smiles to our faces and make our bond even stronger my love!
yours,
mommy
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