The day I took justice in my own hands

It was a sunny day. The day where you are only interested in getting back home. Turning the roundabout, sun glared at me, while a rider snickered. I looked in my side view mirror and he was smiling at me. Maybe the sun showed my glowing, otherwise sweaty, face. I looked away and concentrated on the traffic. He came closer and uttered some remarks on my appearance. I lowered my gaze to see if my dupatta had slid off? No, it was intact, hiding my flat chest. He came closer and uttered some nasty remarks and I glared at him directly. He pretended to be on call while all the way snickering at me. I sped up and crossed him, while he returned for another jeer. This is when I decided to make a lesson out of him. I could see him following me all the way to my right and I steered my car to the right and hit the brakes. He crashed into the driving seat and toppled sideways, wincing and clearly taken aback. I came out of the car and told him to shut the eff up. It would have been a heroic day but he pleaded to the passers-by for being innocent and talking on the phone. One man came up to me and retorted with profound rage to get lost. This is where it struck me. No matter what road you take, no matter what time it is, no matter how many kids you have, no matter the culprit is sprawled on the ground, there’s always going to be one man standing up for the culprit and victim blaming the woman.

I went home with confused spirits and lied to my parents about the crash. They never blamed me nor did they mention it again. But it never gave me the satisfaction I was hoping for. I still recall the incident and wonder was he really talking on the phone? Could I be mistaken?

This is what harassment actually feels like.

I am in a state of shock with the recent event that took place in the vicinity of Lahore. I’m appalled at the events unfolding on the media. I’m crying for the woman that had no help that day. I’m outraged by the remarks of the CCPO Lahore. I no longer have the courage to fight the demons because I’m shit scared. I did travel today with my kids but I was adamant to reach before the sunset. I did not buy an ice cream for my kid because it was dusk and not safe for a woman to go out with her kids at this hour. I kept lying awake yesterday night and thought of all the possibilities where I could thwart my enemy by using all the self-defense weapons. But I’m scared to buy these things even. My mind is in frenzy right now. I keep saying to myself, “I’m not weak, I’m not weak” but this isn’t helping anymore.

Would it have been different if on that particular day, that same man had come up to me and told me not to worry about anything else and just reach home safely? Because I clearly remember his face but not the face of my predator.